One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
