I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
