you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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