you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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