I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
