You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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