I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
