who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
