I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
you win again, gameday.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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