Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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