My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
