I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Enjoy the penises
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
