It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
