Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
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