I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
he was CRYING into my vagina
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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