My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
