Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Randomize
