btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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