you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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