Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Randomize
