Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Randomize
