She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Randomize
