Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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