I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
