I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
