I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
