we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Randomize
