You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Randomize
