did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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