We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
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