how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
I intend to get homeless drunk
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
