u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize