Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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