grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
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