Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
