Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
