I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
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