I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
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