He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
