talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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