I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I came so hard my ears popped.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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