After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Randomize