How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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