were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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