When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
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