I'm lost and stupid without you.
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
