im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
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