I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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