A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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