I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Randomize
