My hair reeks of homosexuality.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Randomize
