It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Randomize
