plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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