My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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