I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
