the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
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