remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
